How IPs Can Build a Great Relationship with Their Surrogate
As intended parent(s) going through the surrogacy process, you need to be able to trust your surrogate. After all, she’s carrying your child! But even though you’re not carrying your surrogate’s child, the trust runs both ways. Your surrogate needs to know that you are going to be involved (but maybe not too involved), that you’re going to uphold your end of the contract, and that you’ll be there to offer support leading up to and during the pregnancy. Forming a strong bond with your surrogate is crucial to a successful journey! (Check back soon for our tips on maintaining a great relationship with your surrogate after birth). Here are some of our tips and tricks for intended parents to begin to foster this very special and truly unique relationship.
Lay out expectations when you first meet. Before you match with the surrogate, make sure that you are clear with your expectations for them throughout the entire process. For example, if you would like your surrogate to do something specific (like eating only organic or doing prenatal yoga), you should let them know before you continue this relationship. While we don’t recommend micromanaging (more on this below), we understand that it is your child that the surrogate is carrying and you might have particular goals or desires. Setting clear expectations early on can help ensure matching with a surrogate willing and able to meet those expectations and avoid conflict later on.
Discuss how you wish to communicate. Another critical component to matching with your surrogate is making sure that you’re on the same page in terms of communication. This process is a two-way street and by setting your hopes and expectations for how you both will communicate throughout the journey can ensure that this relationship remains positive and respectful for the next year or beyond.
Communicate regularly with your surrogate. Regular communication will take many different forms, like text messages, emails, FaceTimes, and in-person meet-ups when possible. In the beginning, we recommend proceeding slowly and casually, like asking your surrogate how they are feeling and ensuring you respond enthusiastically and supportively to any message the surrogate sends you. As time progresses, your relationship can, too! You can begin to ask more open-ended questions to your surrogate, sharing personal stories with them, and asking more specific questions about the pregnancy. While your communication should feel organic, not forced, carving out a set time slot (like Sunday night) for a weekly call or FaceTime can help ensure that you are both making time to check in.
Take genuine interest in your surrogate and their family. Along those same lines, taking a genuine interest in your surrogate, not just the pregnancy, is key to fostering a strong relationship. Ask about the surrogate’s own interests and family, what they did over the weekend, how her children’s soccer game went, and anything else you can think of! If small talk is not your forte, try making a list of questions throughout the week so that you can jump right into conversation and truly get to know the person helping you build your family!
Share your own adventures. As we said before, this relationship is a two way street! Sharing your own steps as intended parents can help get the surrogate excited for the birth, too. Sharing updates on the nursery, crib, car seat, toys, and whatever else will keep the surrogate in the loop and give you a chance to share your own excitement about what’s to come! (Pro tip: If you’re having a baby shower, consider inviting your surrogate to attend!)
Don’t micromanage. There’s a fine line between setting your own expectations for the pregnancy and micromanaging everything that the surrogate does. Although it might be hard to sit back and let some things be out of control, it is essential to foster a respectful relationship. Trusting your surrogate to make the right decisions and follow doctor’s orders can help balance the relationship so that both parties feel equal. At the end of the day, your surrogate has been through pregnancy before and is likely to be even more careful this time around, knowing that she’s carrying your precious cargo!
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Each relationship will look different, so sticking with whatever makes everyone comfortable is ideal when navigating your relationship. And remember, it’s totally okay to acknowledge if you feel nervous or awkward as you jumpstart this relationship! Should you need assistance at any point throughout the journey, Brownstone is here to help ensure that the relationship sails smoothly.
