How To React as a Surrogate to Strangers’ Questions and Comments

“You’re a surrogate? How can you just give your baby away?!” Unsolicited questions and comments from strangers are just an unfortunate part of the surrogacy journey, and it’s up to you how you wish to respond to them. Many of these questions and comments likely come from a place of ignorance and aren’t meant to be intrusive and judgmental. It’s not your responsibility to educate them, but it might give you peace of mind to have a go-to response for these common interactions. Here are our suggestions for how to respond to common questions and comments.

Excessive Compliments: One thing you might notice about being a surrogate is that you will receive constant praise from strangers. Some praise may be welcome and natural–after all, you are doing something incredible! But if you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable, it might be helpful to have a response to redirect the conversation. Try thanking them for the compliment and directing the attention towards the intended parents instead. You could say, “I enjoy being pregnant and I’m grateful to be helping out a great couple!” or “The intended dad is going to be a wonderful parent!”  Should they still wish to continue the conversation, you could talk more about the wonderful parent(s) you are carrying for, or you could use this as an opportunity to educate them on the surrogacy process as a whole.

Money Talk: “How much are you getting paid?” is a question that you’ll likely hear many times throughout this journey. Even though it can seem rude–after all, people generally have the good sense to avoid asking strangers their salaries–it can provide another great opportunity to educate others and dispel myths. Some people will assume that you became a surrogate simply for the paycheck, but you know that you’re doing this journey for many reasons, including your desire to help build a family for others who need that help. While you don’t have to address any question that makes you uncomfortable, this could be an opportunity to let this individual know that of the personal reasons you decided to become a surrogate–and maybe even to recruit more surrogates!

Ignorance Revealed: Many comments and questions ultimately reveal that the person mistakenly thinks the baby is genetically linked to you. While it’s not your personal responsibility to correct the record, using the statement as a springboard to educate the person about IVF and the difference between gestational and traditional surrogacy can make a small difference for the broader surrogacy community. (“I’m giving the baby back to its parents–not giving it up.”) You can also kindly suggest that they do their own research on the subject before judging or commenting.  

Just Plain Offensive: Then there are comments or questions loaded with judgment. For example a woman might say “Oh, I could never do that.” We’re partial to an answer along the lines of “Well…then, don’t?” Or someone will ask you to account for the choice of your intended parent(s). For example, and especially if you are carrying for a single man or same-sex male couple, you might get “why didn’t they just adopt?” Or if you are carrying for an intended mother, a stranger might wrongly assume she was “just too busy to carry.” Without disclosing any personal information of the intended parent(s), you could let them know that there are many personal, medical, and legal reasons why intended parents might choose surrogacy rather than adoption or fostering, like having a genetic connection to the child. We all build our families in different ways, and simply put, that’s nobody’s business but our own.

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You are not obligated to answer any of these questions, however having your go-to responses can reinforce your own personal reasons for being a surrogate and can help educate the greater community. If the questions and comments feel uncomfortable or overwhelming at times, it might be helpful to remind yourself that, while becoming more popular, surrogacy is still rare and many people won’t meet a surrogate in their lifetime. So, if they hear that you are a surrogate, all of their misconceptions and judgments formed by movies, TV, and the tabloids may fall onto you. 

With time, you’ll likely become more comfortable with answering these questions, or simply ignoring them! However, if you struggle with how to deal with them, reach out to the team at Brownstone and we are more than happy to come up with an individualized plan for you!