What It’s Like To Be Born from Surrogacy and Egg Donation: Aly’s Story

Brownstone is honored to present a guest post from Aly Accardi Tarmin, a recent college graduate and advocate for the donor-conceived community. Aly was born via egg donation and gestational surrogacy back in 2002 and raised by a single gay father, so she has a unique perspective on all things third-party reproduction. Welcome, Aly!

Family and Origin Story

In 2002, my father embarked on a courageous journey to become a parent. He had an unwavering desire to have children and did not want to wait for the perfect relationship to start a family. So he forged ahead, knowing single parenthood would be challenging but also deeply rewarding. His decision was met with some skepticism and surprise from those around him, but his determination never wavered.

At the time, New York’s laws did not permit single gay men to have children through surrogacy and egg donation, so he turned to California, where the laws were more favorable. With the help of a carefully chosen egg donor, a compassionate surrogate, and a dedicated team of medical professionals, my twin sister and I were born. Our birth was not just a testament to my dad’s unwavering determination but also to the possibilities offered by modern reproductive technology.

Feeling Isolated

Candidly, there were times growing up with such a unique family structure that I felt isolated. In kindergarten, the annual Mother’s Day celebration was particularly challenging. I remember the decorations, the excited chatter of my classmates, and the crafts we were asked to make for our mothers. I didn’t know who to bring to the celebration. When my father and I walked in, we were met with a sea of stares from families who expected a traditional family structure. I felt alienated but I was grateful for my dad’s presence and the love he gave me. His unwavering support made those difficult moments bearable.

Raising my sister and me as a single working father was no easy feat, and my dad often relied on the support of my grandparents. They lived in a home just a mile away, which made it ideal for them to help raise us. My grandma, in particular, played a significant role in our upbringing. She would come over early in the morning, around 6:15 a.m., and stay overnight to take care of us. This routine allowed my dad to focus on his work, knowing that we were in loving hands. My grandparents’ involvement enriched our lives and helped shape our understanding of family.

Understanding My Origins

Growing up, my father was transparent about our origins. He even made PowerPoint presentations to explain how we were born, complete with pictures and diagrams. I remember sitting on the couch, watching as he clicked through slides showing the egg donor, the surrogate, and the medical procedures involved. He made it like a bedtime story, filled with love and science. These presentations made our story seem both extraordinary and completely normal.

As I grew older, my understanding of our family’s origin deepened. What I initially saw as a simple narrative of love and science evolved into a complex story filled with legal, societal, and emotional challenges. I began to appreciate the enormity of my father’s journey—the legal battles he fought, the societal prejudices he faced, and the emotional resilience he demonstrated. This realization brought a newfound respect for him and a stronger sense of identity and purpose in advocating for family diversity and reproductive rights.

There have been moments when being donor-conceived has been quite difficult. When I blew out the candles on my 16th birthday, I remember wanting to wish for my biological mother to be part of my life. After the celebration, I looked in the mirror, examining my facial features and feeling like an alien within my own home. Then, my grandma’s words echoed in my mind: “La famiglia è tutto”—family is everything. I realized that my family’s support and love meant more than the absence of someone I had never met. My father’s unwavering love and dedication were the true pillars of my identity.

Navigating Unique Relationships

When people learn about my family’s unique story, they often have many questions. One frequent question is whether my sister and I have a relationship with our surrogate or egg donor.

My dad’s relationship with the surrogate who carried us is one of mutual respect and gratitude. I remember one summer when we visited her in California. It was the first time I met her, and I was filled with a mix of curiosity and nervousness. She welcomed us with open arms, and I could see the bond of respect and gratitude she shared with my dad. We spent the afternoon together, talking about the journey that brought us into the world. Although our interactions have been limited, we recognize her crucial role in our creation and hold her in high regard. Even now, she stays connected with us through social media. She is friends with my dad on Facebook and keeps up to date with all of my sister’s and my accomplishments and family events. She often comments on our posts, celebrating our milestones and sharing in our joy.

As for the egg donor, while we do not have a direct relationship with her, we remain deeply grateful for her contribution. My dad would often speak of her kindness and generosity, emphasizing how her decision to donate her eggs enabled our family to be formed. It’s a connection that, although not physically present, is felt deeply within our family.

Insights for Prospective Parents

For those considering surrogacy, my advice is to approach this journey with love, patience, and transparency. Understand that the process involves emotional and logistical complexities, but the outcome is a testament to the power of human connection and the diverse forms that families can take. Be prepared for the emotional highs and lows, and build a support system that understands and respects your journey.

Remember, your surrogacy journey does not end when your baby is born. Your child will grow up and it’s important to foster an environment where your child feels comfortable asking questions about their origins. Answer these questions with honesty and sensitivity. It’s important that they feel their curiosity is welcomed and respected. Highlight the beauty of diverse family structures. Teach your child that families come in many forms and that love is the core of any family. This helps them appreciate their unique family background and understand that it is just as valid as any other. Engage with other families who have used surrogacy or egg/sperm donation. Sharing experiences can provide support and help normalize your family’s story for your child. It can also create a sense of community and belonging.

To those looking to have children with the help of an egg or sperm donor, embrace the diversity of your family’s creation. Open and honest communication with your children about their origins fosters a sense of identity and belonging. From an early age, make your child’s birth story a part of their life narrative. Use age-appropriate language to explain how they came into the world. Being open and honest helps build trust and a strong sense of identity. Frame the story of your child’s conception in a positive light. Emphasize the love, care, and intentionality that went into bringing them into the world. This helps children feel valued and cherished.

Consider talking to a counselor or therapist who specializes in family and reproductive issues. They can provide guidance on how to navigate discussions about your child’s origins and offer support as your child grows and their understanding deepens. Remember, the essence of a family lies in love and commitment, not just genetic connections. Embrace the unique journey of creating your family, and know that the love you provide is the most important foundation for your child’s life.

Parting Words

Being born through egg donation and surrogacy to a single gay father with a twin sister is a fundamental aspect of my identity. It has shaped my values, understanding of family, and advocacy work. My story celebrates the advancements in reproductive technologies and the extraordinary families they help create. By sharing my journey, I hope to inspire others to embrace their unique paths to parenthood with courage and love.

Thank you for reading my story. I look forward to continuing this conversation and advocating for the diverse ways families are formed today.