How To Explain Surrogacy to Your Kids
A lot of prospective surrogates worry: “What will my kids think?” or “Will they be confused when I’m pregnant but no baby comes home?” That’s understandable and your concern for your kids’ emotional wellbeing is yet another sign you’d make a wonderful surrogate! For most children of all ages, the news of your surrogacy is not the emotional bombshell you expect. They grasp the concept easily and adapt well. But children’s reactions can vary and learning how to respond to them appropriately can be critical to fostering a support system at home. Here are a few tips to get you started as you introduce surrogacy to your children.
1. Talk casually about it. Before you match with the intended parents, you should begin to discuss surrogacy with your children. By discussing early on with them, they are more likely to ask questions and voice their concerns, as the surrogate baby is not yet associated with mommy. Address their questions and concerns with excitement to show that surrogacy is a positive process that can help other couples grow their own families. These conversations will look different for each family depending on the children’s ages and personalities, but nonetheless speaking casually of surrogacy before it’s a reality can help ease your children into the idea. Always remain optimistic and show your excitement towards surrogacy in these conversations, so that when the time comes to announce that you are pregnant, they will also be excited about it!
2. Address their questions and concerns. It’s important to validate your children’s emotions by encouraging them to express themselves freely. Children, just like your spouse or other family members, may have questions or concerns that likely stem from a place of care for your wellbeing. Encourage your children to bring these questions and concerns to you so that you can address them early on. With enough knowledge and support, your children will likely work through their feelings on the subject and come to embrace your role as a surrogate.
3. Be age appropriate. How you talk to your children about surrogacy will greatly depend on how old the child is. Older children are more likely to understand your desire to help other families, but younger children might have a difficult time comprehending surrogacy altogether. One way you can introduce surrogacy to your younger children is by comparing it to babysitting: you can simply explain that you are babysitting the child until he or she is healthy and strong, and then you will return the baby to its parents. You could continue to explain that the intended parents are borrowing your womb to protect and grow the child, but you are in no way biologically related to this baby.
4. Teach through books. Another great way to introduce surrogacy to your younger children is by reading them stories. There are many great books that cover surrogacy in a meaningful way that little ones will understand. Two that we like are: (1) The Kangaroo Pouch by Sarah A. Phillips and Laurie Faust–a story told from the perspective of a young kangaroo named Oliver whose mother uses her pouch to help another family have a baby, and (2) The Very Kind Koala: A Surrogacy Story for Children by Kimberly Kluger-Bell–a story about a pair of koala bears that need the help of another caring koala to carry their baby in her pouch.
Gaining the support of your children is one of the most important steps in the surrogacy process, and therefore introducing the topic to them might be at the top of your to-do list. Although there may be ups and downs in your children’s attitudes about surrogacy, you can always remind them that the love in your own family inspired you to give that experience to other families who can’t do it without your help. Should you need more reassurance, the Brownstone team is always here to provide guidance, answer questions, and address any concerns!
